!WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!

WELCOME TO MY MAGIC HOMEPAGE. OKAY SO ITS CRAP BUT I WILL BE HOPING TO
IMPROVE IT DURING THE FOLLOWING WEEKS. BAISICALLY ALL THATS ON THIS PAGE AT THE MOMENT IS A TRIBUTE TO THE KING ( THAT'LL BE CANTONA) AND A COLLECTION OF JOKES AND A COUPLE OF LINKS TO SOME EQUALLY USELESS PAGES!
 

Below is Cantona shrine( the resembelence to a frog is clearly unintential)

Bit of magic ther from the french man!!
 

Before you read my jokes please take time to say hello to Eric (named after the master). My pet cyber frog and the closest thing my brother has to a friend!! 

Okay and so now you come to the jokes part!! enjoy !

WARNING: Some of these jokes are discriminatory but to be fair I have tried to be equally discriminating! But seriously if you take offense at this sort of material or you are related to me please don't read this! These jokes have been copied from other webpages and the author accepts no responsibility for any offense caused. You have been warned not to read them!

Q: Why dont jews eat butter
A: Because butter melts in the oven

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Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave?
A: Yeah, sits six!

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Q: What's the definition of a Jewish dilemma?
A: Pork chops at half price

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A Jewish boy goes to his father and asks "Dad, can I borrow $25?"
To which his father replies"$20, I don't have $15, what do you need $10 for?"

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A catholic priest and a rabbi find them sitting next to each other on
a long journey, and so after some hesitation start to talk to each
other.  After discussing the weather and the cricket, the priest turns
to the rabbi and say that he thought it was rather strange that he was
not allowed to eat pork, and asked him whether he ever had.  The rabbi
replyed "Well, when I was a small boy, I did in fact taste a small
piece of bacon".  "What was it like?" asked the priest, to which the
rabbi replied:  "Not nearly as good as sex."

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 A blind man is sitting on a park bench.  A rabbi sits down next to him.
The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah.  Taking pity on the blind man,
he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.
 Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder
and asks, "Who wrote this crap?"

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In a city somewhere in the world, there was a Catholic church across the
street from a synagogue.  Every once in a while, the parish priest would look
out the window of the parish house, just as the rabbi left on a journey.  Each
time, the rabbi would cross himself before walking down the stairs.  This went
on for several years, until, one day, the priest decided to ask the rabbi about
it.  Catching him leaving one day, Father William asked Rabbi Feinstein,
"Excuse me, Rabbi, but, each time I see you leave your synagogue, you make the
sign of the Cross.  What does that mean in your religion?"  "Ah,", said the
Rabbi, "you simply misinterpreted my gesture.  Each time I leave to travel, I
just check myself out... you know, (making the gestures) spectacles,
testicles, wallet, and watch!"

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CLINTON AND THE GENIE

Bill Clinton was jogging along the beach when he came upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up
and rubbed it around, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared! Bill was amazed and startled, and
asked the genie if he got three wishes? "No" said the genie "I'm afraid that due to constant
down sizing, world stock market volatility, fierce global competition, deflation and low wages in
asian countries, I can only grant you but one wish sir. So please, what will it be?..."

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "There is something near and dear to my heart; I would like to see
peace in the Middle East. Here, see this map? I want all these countries to stop fighting and
make peace among them."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man! These countries have been at
war for thousands of years. The hatred among them runs deep. Many have tried and failed at
what you ask. I'm good but not THAT good. I just don't think it can be done. Please, could
you make another wish?"

Bill thought for a minute, and then said, "Well you know, people just don't like my wife Hillary.
They think she's bad tempered, has a big butt, and pushes me around too much. I wish for her
to be the most beautiful woman in the world and have everybody really like her. OK, that's
what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "William, let me see that map again!..."
 

The Top 15 New Problems for Mike Tyson
15 Fight controversy may adversely affect pro wrestling career.
14 Upcoming TV special with Martha Stewart in doubt.
13 That constant ringing in his mouth.
12 Spock vs. Tyson bout hastily cancelled.
11 Can't decide between the Crest & Tom's of Maine endorsement deals.
10 Kids really start to freak out whenever he tries to play "Got Your Nose."
9 New nickname of "Nipsy" less intimidating than "Iron Mike."
8 Has absolutely no idea how to handle his next opponent Vinny "No Ears" Bottatucci.
7 Nobel people called -- they want their peace prize back.
6 Saturday: Bite some guy's ear off.  Sunday: Ozzy Osbourne won't stop pestering you to go
for a drink.
5 Willing opponents now down to Vincent Van Gogh and J.Paul Getty, Jr.
4 Don King, fearing a loss of credibility, ups commission from 98 to 99%
3 ASPCA has yet to approve match with Marmaduke.
2 He's starting to make O.J. look respectable.
and the Number 1 New Problem for Mike Tyson...
1 Recurring fantasies about Ross Perot and Prince Charles

Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III:

10. The third Gogh around

9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer

8. The last supper

7. Ear-reconcilable differences

6. Grazing Bull

5. You wanna piece of me?

4. Blood, Sweat and Ears

3. Lobe's labor lost

2. Bite of the century

1. Why? Because I lobe it
 
 

What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off,he obviously misunderstood....good thing he
didn't say two!

Evander after the fight,"Maybe I shouldn't have told him to 'Bite Me'"

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander,Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh.
"Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!
 

News Headlines

Champ..Chomp..Chump -- Roanoke Times (VA)
A Bad Bite for Boxing -- The News & Observer of Raleigh.
Twice Bitten -- Times-Picayune of New Orleans.
Bite of the Century! -- Arizona Republic.
Bite Night -- Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader.
Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night -- The Record of Hackensack, N.J.
Reality Bites -- Times Union of Albany, N.Y.
Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell Salt Lake Tribune.
Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism -- The (Baltimore) Sun.
Biting Commentary -- The Boston Herald.
Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield -- Huntsville (Ala.) Times.
Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson -- The Indianapolis Star.
Holyfield Can't Stay Unbitten as Heavyweight -- Sun-Sentinel,Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
Earmarks of cowardice -- Houston Chronicle.
Earmark of an eerie night -- The Atlanta Journal
A two-bit bout: Holyfield wins -- Kansas City Star.
From Champ to Chomp -- The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C.
The Champ and the Chomp -- The Jersey Journal.
Holyfield Still Chomp-ion -- San Francisco Examiner.
Heavyweight Chomp -- Philadelphia Inquirer.
Undisputed Chomp -- USA Today.
World Chomp -- The Sun (London).
Requiem for a Chompion -- Philadelphia Daily News.
Sucker Munch -- The Sun (London).
Biting Back: Evander has public's ear -- Daily News, New York.
Toss Tyson Out on Ear -- Daily News, New York.
Ear Flap -- Newsday.
Ears Have It! Evander Wins -- Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser.
Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow -- Providence Journal-Bulletin.
Dracula -- New York Post.
Champ Chewing Over Legal Options -- New York Post.
It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat -- New York Post.
For Tyson, Tooth Hurts -- New York Post.
Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible -- New York Post.
Lobe Blow for Boxing -- The Tennessean.
Iron Mike Goes Down Biting -- The Sunday Oklahoman.
Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next -- The Daily Oklahoman.
Ear of Scorn -- Kansas City Star.
Pay Per Chew -- Philadelphia Daily News.
Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs -- Arkansas
Democrat-Gazette.
Ear-Responsible -- Fort Worth Star-Telegram.
Tyson Scars Face of Boxing -- The Guardian (London).
 
 
 
 
 

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

Tell her a joke on Monday.
 
 

How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.
 
 

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

Both are empty from the neck up.
 
 

What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in a row?

A wind tunnel.
 
 

If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, which would land first?

The brunette the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
 
 

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool.
 
 

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month

Because the label says, Good for up to 20 pounds.
 
 

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.
 
 

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads

To protect their skulls as their heads rock left and right.
 
 

How do you kill a blonde

Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
 
 

What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?

An interpreter.
 
 

What would a blonde say if you blew in her ear?

Oh, thanks for the refill!
 
 

Why do blondes have more fun?

Because they don't know any better.
 
 

How can you tell if a blonde has used your computer?

There'll be whiteout on the screen.
 
 

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

You only have to put information into a computer once.
 
 

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.
 
 

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

She threw it off of a cliff.
 
 

How does a blonde do a High-Five?

She smacks herself in the forehead.
 
 

Why do blondes wear their hair up?

To try and catch everything that's over their heads.
 
 

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle?

A dope ring.
 
 

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.
 
 

Why do blondes always die before help arrives?

They can't dial 911 there's no eleven on a telephone.
 

Why don't blondes eat pickles?

Their heads always get stuck in the jar.
 
 

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?

Because they can't fit 8 cups of water into those little packages.
 
 

Why did the blonde put T.G.I.F. on her shoes?

Toes Go In First.
 
 

Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?

That's where you wash vegetables.
 
 

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?

You can park in a handicapped zone.
 
 

Why don’t blondes get coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.
 
 

What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?

A brain tumor.
 
 

What did the blonde call her zebra?

Spot.
 
 

What do an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common.

You often hear about them, but you never see one.
 
 

Why do blondes hate the G.E.D.?

Because they can't spell it.
 
 

How many blonde jokes are there?

None, they're all true.
 
 

What does a blonde who has dyed her hair brown have?

Artificial intelligence.
 
 

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, she holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her.
 
 

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer?

Frosted Flakes.
 
 
 
 

How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof?

Tell her that the drinks are on the house.
 
 

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted.
 
 

What's a blonde's favorite T-shirt slogan?

I'm a natural blonde, please speak slowly.
 
 

What's the definition of gross ignorance?

144 blondes.
 
 

Why did the blonde freeze in the winter?

Because she went to the drive-in to see Closed for the Season.
 
 

Why can't blondes be pharmacists?

Because they can't get the bottles into the typewriter.
 
 

How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.?

With a bike pump.
 
 

How do you change a blonde's mind?

Blow in her ear.
 
 

What did the blonde yell when she saw the car accident?

ÒI'll go and call 911, what's the number?
 
 

What goes vroom-screech, vroom-screech?

A blonde driving through a flashing red light.
 
 

What's a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air?

Collecting her thoughts.
 
 

What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other?

An air mattress.
 
 

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retriever.
 
 

Why do blondes wear a ponytail?

To hide the valve stem.
 
 

How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?

She has a checkbook.
 
 

How do you keep a blonde busy?

Give her a pack of M&M's and ask her to alphabetize them.
 
 

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

100; 1 to make the batter, and 99 to peel the M&M's.
 
 

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Because she kept eating all of the ones with W's on them.
 
 

What is the only job a blonde can do in an M&M factory?

Proofreading.
 
 

Why do blondes always fail driver's tests?

Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat.
 
 

What would a blonde say if her doctor told her that she was pregnant?

Is it mine?
 
 

What did the blonde's mom say before her daughter went out on a date?

If you're not in bed by 10 PM, come home!
 
 
 

What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning?

1. She introduces herself. 2. She goes home.
 
 

One day, a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw a

sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally reached

the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.
 
 

Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.

The first blonde said, You know, those look like deer tracks. The

other blonde said, No, silly, those are moose tracks. They were still

arguing about it when a train hit them.
 
 

A blonde woman was very proud of herself for finishing her jigsaw

puzzle in only two months; after all, the box said 2-5 years.
 
 

One day, two blondes were driving to Disneyland. As they passed

through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said,

Disneyland Left. So they turned around and went home.
 
 

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny were all walking down

the street. All of a sudden, they saw a $10 bill lying on the ground. Who got it?

The Dumb blonde because the others don’t exist.
 
 
 

A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she'd like a

medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she'd like to have

it cut into: six or twelve. Oh, goodness, six please, said the blonde.

I don't think I could ever eat twelve.
 
 

One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park.

Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, Oh, look, a dead birdie. The

blonde looked up and said, Where?
 
 

On a hot summer day, an angry blonde woman was brought into the

hospital with severe burns on her mouth and lips. When the doctors

asked her what had happened, she said that she had caught her

boyfriend with another woman, so she had tried to retaliate by

blowing his car up.
 
 

Once upon a time, there was a blonde who had six young boys, all of

whom she named 'Jimmy'. One day, her aunt asked, Why did you name all

of these boys 'Jimmy'? The blond said, So I can keep track of 'em. The

aunt gave her a wild look. So you can keep track of 'em? How the heck

can you do that when they're all named 'Jimmy'? The blonde looked at

her aunt, shrugged and said, No problem, I just call them by their

last names.
 
 

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on

the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made

for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot stool,

she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from

the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of

cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a

voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE! The blonde, now worried, moved

to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried

to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH

THERE!

The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The

voice replied, NO, YOU DUMB BLONDE, I OWN THE @$#&! ICE RINK!
 
 

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. Then, one of

them decides to call 911.

 Blonde: We need help, me and two other blondes are trying to change

a light bulb.

Operator: Hmm. Have you put a fresh bulb in?

B: Yes.

O: Is the power in the house turned on?

B: Of course!

O: And the switch is on?

B: Yes, yes!

O: And the bulb still won't light up?

B: Actually, the bulb's working fine.

O: Then what's the problem?

B: Well, we got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell

off and hurt ourselves.
 
 

Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, were stranded on

an island. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and

estimated the distance to be about twenty miles. So, she announced

that she was going to try and swim back.

 After swimming five miles or so, the brunette began to get tired.

However, determined to keep at it, she kept going. Unfortunately,

ten miles out, she became exhausted and drowned. The redhead, who was

stronger than the brunette had been, decided to give it a try. After

getting out about ten miles or so, she too began to get tired.

Just like the brunette, she was determined to keep going; only five

miles from the mainland, she too became exhausted and drowned.

Now, the blonde had always been the strongest of the three. And

so, after seeing how far the redhead had gotten, she knew that

she had a good chance of making it. The blonde swam away from the

island, and was making good time. She passed ten miles easily;

however, when she reached fifteen, she began to get tired, too.

But she kept going.

 Finally, after reaching nineteen miles, with

the mainland only a mile away and in sight, the blonde realized

that she was simply too tired to go on. So she swam back.
 
 

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios?

Ooh, these must be new, donut seeds!
 
 

What's black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch?

A brunette that told too many blonde jokes (grin).
 
 

How do you confuse a blonde?

Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner.
 
 

How do blonde brain cells die ?

Alone.
 
 

How do you brainwash a blonde?

Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
 
 

How do you change a blonde’s mind?

Buy her another beer.
 
 

What did the blonde say when the doctor told her that she was pregnant?

Is it mine?
 
 

How did the blonde try to kill the fish?

By drowning it.
 
 

A blond is going to London on a plane, how can you steal

her window seat?

Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
 
 

How do you amuse a blonde for hours?

Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
 
 

How does a blonde moonwalk?

She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
 
 

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?

The rest are hunt'n peckers.
 

What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?

An air bag.
 

What is the blonde doing when she holds

her hands tightly over her ears?

Trying to hold on to a thought.
 
 

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange

juice can for 2 hours?

Because it said, "concentrate".
 
 

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?

They don't know the route.
 
 

Why do blondes work seven days a week?

So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
 

Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?

Because he didn't want them crapping streets during parades.
 
 

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave to her.
 
 

How do you get a blonde’s eyes to twinkle?

Shine a torch in her ears.
 
 

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?

She says, "Next".

The batteries have run out.
 
 

How do blondes pierce their ears?

They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
 
 

How do you drown a blond?

Don't tell her to swallow.

Leave a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
 
 

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?

The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
 
 

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
 

How do you confuse a blonde?

You don't. They're born that way.
 
 

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

For throwing out the W's.
 

Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?

To keep her ankles warm.
 
 

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?

Air pockets.
 

Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?

So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
 
 

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?

She didn't know what ONE came first...
 
 

How did the blonde die drinking milk?

The cow fell on her.
 
 

How did the blonde burn her nose?

Bobbing for french fries.
 

How can you tell when a FAX has been sent from a blonde?

There is a stamp on it.
 
 

Why do men like blonde jokes?

Because they can understand them.
 
 

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a

flat forehead?

Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
 
 

What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?

Last years hide and go seek winner.
 
 

What do you call a basement full of blondes?

A whine cellar.
 
 

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant.
 
 

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?

A visitor.
 
 

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?

All you can eat, under a buck.
 
 

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A Space Invader.
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
 
 

Why did God create blondes?

Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did God create brunettes?

Neither could the blondes.
 
 

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
 
 

Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ?

She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
 
 

Why did they call the blond twinkie?

She liked to be filled with cream.
 

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

1)So brunettes can remember them.

2)Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
 
 
 
 

Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?

Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
 
 

Why are blondes like cornflakes ?

Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
 
 

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

They keep breaking them with the hammers.
 
 

When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?

When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
 

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the

at air?

She missed.
 
 

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents

occur around the home?

She moved.
 
 

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

A blonde parade.
 
 

Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?

They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
 
 

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her

husband's car?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
 
 

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.

She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
 

Did you hear about the blonde who:

1) had more on her body than on her mind?

2) took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

3) was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?

4) had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?

5) thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

6) was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?

7) went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

8) brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
 
 

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of

their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting

to rain and the top is down!
 
 

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the

bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"
 

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see

where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.
 
 

How about the suicide blonde,

she dyed by her own hand.
 
 

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the

wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the

people were leaving.
 

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?

Blonde: I don't know. Why?

Teller: It was easier to spell.

Blonde: Easier than what?
 
 

Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
 
 

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.

The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde

was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw

another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped

her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that

give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you

what's coming to you!"
 

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state

capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
 
 

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying

overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over

her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've

hit me right in the face!!!" Or "Good thing that cows don't fly.."
 
 

Blonde Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly

Artery -- study of paintings

Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria

Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarian section -- district in Rome

Cat scan -- searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- sheep dog

Coma -- a punctuation mark

Congenital -- friendly

D&C -- where Washington is

Diarrhea -- journal of daily events

Dilate -- to live long

Enema -- not a friend

Fester -- quicker

Fibula -- a small lie

Genital -- non-Jewish

GI Series -- soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- suitcase

Hangnail – coat hook

Impotent -- distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- torture in a teepee

Labor pain -- got hurt at work

Medical staff -- doctor's cane

Morbid -- higher offer

Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate

Node -- was aware of

Outpatient -- person who had fainted

Pap smear -- fatherhood test

Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- letter carrier

Protein -- favoring young people

Rectum -- damn near killed 'em

Recovery room -- place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- amorous

Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- study of knighthood

Tablet -- small tablet

Terminal illness -- sickness at airport

Tibia -- country in North Africa

Tumor -- an extra pair

Urine -- opposite of you're out

Varicose -- located nearby

Vein – conceited
 

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A Lobotomy.

How do you save five drowning lawyers?
Who cares?

What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A waste of cement.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
-Shoot him before he hits the water.
-Take your foot off his head.
-No? Good!

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
-Back over him to make sure.
-Make another notch on the steering wheel.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
Deep down their good.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,"
sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,"
replied the witness.

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan
heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that
in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other
replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far
more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are
some things even a rat won't do.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street
together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of
course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields
Attorneys At Law

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills
you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers
here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
lawyer for my 'gator."

The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no
problem with fee-splitting.

There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by
the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good
idea to just leave them there.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife
replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through
my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the
quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one
ounce of brain?"

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he
retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend
of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to
be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend,
eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising
early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for
their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and
raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well,
the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so
lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his
Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff
grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two
bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his
friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears,
and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied
the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the
lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I
can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it,
and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find
Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just
throw it away..." Saying that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others were quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the world there is so many and so
good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that,
he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite
impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
Lawyer through it... an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
 

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the researchgrant.
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
-Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part,
also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to
perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination
of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties.

Why didn't the doctor (any other misc. profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of
them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death
and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he
wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake,
the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their
old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the
Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the
envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a
Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle
Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical
charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself
to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the
Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the
felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his
promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin
contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal check for the entire
$25,000.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be
first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a
doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie,"
said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My
daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she
went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained
what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a
seven-year-old?"
 

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people
ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came
down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one
of his assis-tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and
into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what
makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my
calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
 

The Road To Heaven

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in
sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you,
so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies,
"I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and
says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of
Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands
erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff
and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a
taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by
results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

The Religious Hike

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating
and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all
their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries
while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along
but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the
rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their
clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than
his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face
they would recognize."

Walking on Water

When their credibility was at a low ebb, Jimmy and Tammy Bakker decided that a revelation of
some sort, a miracle perhaps, was needed to restore their flagging ratings. Somehow, Jimmy
managed to contact Jesus. He explained their predicament and asked for divine help.
"Tell you what," JC suggested, "gather all the faithful and the doubters to the shores of lake
Superior and I’ll do my walking-on-water routine. It slaid them at Galilee."
"Fantastic idea," agreed Jimmy, and sped off to make the arrangements. On the appointed day
a large crowd-everyone is interested in a Second Coming-gathered at the lake. Mr. Whippy
vans and hotdog stands were all over the show. Then, to a deafening cheer, Jesus appeared in
pristine white robes. A breathless hush fell over the throng as with theatrical deliberation, arms
raised, He stepped slowly onto the lake step by step and walked slowly into the sunset. As the
sun sank slowly in the west, Jesus sank slowly into the lake. Immediately there were enraged
cries of "Fraud!," "Cheating bastards" and "Give us our money back." When the pandemonium
subsided Jimmy was naturally pissed. "Jesus," he said with some emphasis, "you’ve ruined me.
I’ll never live this down. What the hell happened?"
Jesus was puzzled as He was wet. "I can’t understand it," He lamented. "It worked great
before."
Suddenly the penny dropped. "Of course!" He cried. "How could I be so stupid? When I first
did this trick I didn’t have holes in my feet!"

Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is A Trouble Maker

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. You catch him behind the barn drinking soda pop!
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening."
2. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.
1. Caught "churning butter" alone in the bathroom.

Dinner With The Parishioners
 

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt
housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he
had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his
fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get
them". He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really
delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the
dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Toys by Religion

•Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
•Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
•Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
•Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
•Anglican - They were our toys first.
•Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
•Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
•Atheism - There is no toy maker.
•Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
•Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
•Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
•Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of
heaven if we catch you selling yours.
•Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
•Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
•Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
•Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
•Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
•Hedonism - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
•7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
•Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
•Baptist - Once played always played.
•Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
•Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
•Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
•Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
•Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.
 

The Rabbi and Priest

An Irish catholic priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a
while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not
supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth.
Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked,
"Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I
know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a
while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than
pork, isn't it?"

Inside The Confessional

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic Church, sits down in a Confession box and says
nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. Finally, the bewildered priest coughs to
attract the drunk's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall
three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use
knockin', pal, there's no paper in this one either."

Nun Immigrants

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the
people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in
America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk
towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige,
wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench
and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a
moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Noah's Ark

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with
water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal
species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and
rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked
the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The
blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said
I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance.. "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal
rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. "The EPA required an environmental impact
statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed
flood plain. "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving
the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians. "I'm
sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years." Suddenly the rain stopped, the
skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean
you're not going to devastate the earth?" "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."

Don't Insult the Minister

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister
with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced,
"Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The
Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the
dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess
and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly
stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The Catholic Story

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a
whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He
decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends
the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the
library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent
"Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels
come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An
'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering
comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the
Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be
CELEBRATE!"

Goldberg Nails

There was a wealthy Jewish man who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated
from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company. He initially farmed the
young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing,
then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring,
the father decided that his son needed his own project.
So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he
would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at
his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.
Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out
to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard.
As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight
had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard
portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails." The
father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on across as it might offend their
Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his
father.
One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the
billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross
and the caption read: "This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails"

Bra Types

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants
to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man,
"there's more than one type?" "There are three types." replies the clerk, "The Catholic type, the
Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man
asked, "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The
Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist
type makes mountain's out of mole hills."

The School Play

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the
school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy replies "I play the part of
the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a
speaking part."

Judaism Vs Christianity

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of
Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a
game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic
faiths." The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
"Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None
that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack
Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal;
then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to
showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good
idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after
the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good
news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer. "Tell me the good news
first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even
though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever
played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons
were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was
truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger
Woods by three strokes."

Answers to Prayers

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious
financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my
house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe
again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going
to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My
God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and
children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to
you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice
of GOD himself: "JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE... BUY A FREAKING
TICKET!"

Judge Not...

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The
drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of
wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of
minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose
living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking
about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so
strong---how long have you had arthritis"? "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that
the Pope has it".

Sick in Church

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can
we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the
front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60
seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could
you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to
go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
 

The Rabii and the Pope

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an
unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?"
he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope
notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the
Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank
you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of
course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter
on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56) The Chief Rabbi
gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official
visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct
line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation
and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and
the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time,
the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi relents and
looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42) The Pope looks surprised: "Why
so cheap!?" The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."
Three Men Try to Get into Heaven

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission in Heaven. However, St. Peter has been
informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who
died the worst death! So St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them
about how they died. First Man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating
on me. I decided to come home early from work one day and heck to see if I could catch her in
the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the
shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had
been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found him hanging from the
edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but
he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell
twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill him either - he landed in these
bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the
balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so
horrible about what I had done, I went to the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he
took the second aside. Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment
building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practising them on my
balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily I only fell
about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to
pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started
jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he
finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with this hammer and smashes
my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn't
believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me." St. Peter comforted
the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to
the third man. Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator.........."
 
 
 
 
 

The Preachers Horse

A preacher wanted to earn money for his church. He had heard there was big money in horse
racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the race. However, at the local
auction, the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey.
The preacher figured since he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the races. The next
day the donkey came in third place. The following day in the racing form, the headlines
appeared:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey the he entered the donkey the next day also. The
donkey won. The racing form read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The ranking Bishop was so upset with this type of publication that he ordered the preacher not
to enter the donkey in the races anymore. The headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The
preacher decided to give the animal to nearby convent. The following day the paper read:
NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nuns to get rid of the animal so they sold it to a farmer for
$10. The next day the paper read:
NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the Bishop the next day. The following day the paper read:
TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH

Doubting Priests

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their
conversation went: He: "Sister, I want to show you something." She: "What is it, Father?
He: "Come into my private room & close the blinds." She: "WHAT?!" He: "I said.."
She: "I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!" He: "Well, I really need you
to come in." Curious, the nun does as she is told. He: "Here, sit on the bed beside me." She: "I
have to get out of here." He: "Aren't you the least bit curious?" Well, the nun was so she sat
down beside him. He: "Get under the covers. She: "WHAT?????!!!!!" The nun was really
freaking out He: "It doesn't work otherwise!" says the priest. After much coaxing, the nun does
get under the covers with him. He: "Come closer," whispers the priest. Nervously, she does get
closer. He: "See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glows in the dark!!!!"

Sermon Sleeper

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I
have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What
should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when
she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good
poke in the leg with the pin." In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he
said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with
the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again.
Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation,
motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin
once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he
picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to
wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked,
"...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You
stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!

The Young Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the
monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip." So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he
got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.        Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2.       There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.       There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.       Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.       Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not beat his ass.

6.       We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.       The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8.       David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.

9.       When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off
his ass.

10.      We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11.      When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, " Take this and eat it for it is
my body." He did not say, "Eat me!"

12.      The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."

13.      The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub,
yay God.

14.      Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling
contest at St. Taffy's.

Goddamn Fish

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper.  A man was walking by and said
"Wow what a goddamn fish!"  The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun",
and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".  So the sister took the fish back to
the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught."  The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the
name of it: a goddamn fish".  So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll clean it."  While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor
look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught."  The monsignor said "Mother superior you
shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn
fish".  So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it".  That evening at
supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said  "Wow what a nice fish".   And the sister
said "I caught the goddamn fish."  And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish".  And the new priest said: "I like this fucking
place already!"
 

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH

10.The church bus has gun racks.

9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."

7. There's an ATM in the lobby.

6. Choir wears leather robes.

5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."

4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

3. Karaoke Worship Time.

2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"

1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

Turpentine
A kid is sitting on the side of the road, holding a bottle. A priest comes along and asks what he
has in the bottle. "Turpentine," the kid replies. "The most powerful thing in the universe." The
priest studies the bottle reflectively for a moment, then says, "Son, the most powerful thing in the
universe is holy water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's stomach, she'll pass a baby boy."
The kid says, "Sh*t, that ain't nothin'. You rub this on a cat's ass, it'll pass a motorcycle!"
 
 

The Pub Translator

1. YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME: We won't be here long enough to get
another round.

2. I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU: Happy hour is about to end...drafts are
now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.

3. HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?: I have no interest in talking to you except
as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL?: FEMALE I'm easy. MALE I'm gay.

5. EVER TRY A BODY SHOT? MALE TO FEMALE: I am even willing to drink tequila if it
means that I get to lick you.

6. EVER TRY A BODY SHOT? FEMALE TO MALE: If this is how wild I am in the bar,
imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

7. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME. FEMALE: You are paying more attention to
your friends than me.

8. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME. MALE: I'm horny.

9. WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?: I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am
an expert at diverting attention.

10. EXCUSE ME. MALE TO MALE: Get the hell out of the way.

11. EXCUSE ME. MALE TO FEMALE: I am going to grope you now.

12. EXCUSE ME. FEMALE TO MALE: Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell
out of the way.

13. EXCUSE ME. FEMALE TO FEMALE: Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are
anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here
dressing like a whore. Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you bitch, like the slut you are.

14. WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP? What's cheap?

15. CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN? MALE: I'm really gay.

16. CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN? FEMALE: I'm really easy.

17. THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR: Did I sleep with him/her?

18. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER? FEMALE: I'm annoying, but cute enough to
get away with this.

19. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME. FEMALE: I'm 19.

20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME. MALE: I don't have a license since I got pulled over
and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here

Lost At Sea

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement
of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man
blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a
deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked
disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he
spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Best Friends

San and Dan were friends for more than 30 years. Their friendship had weathered innumerable
arguments. However, Stan being the more intelligent one, had fared better than Dan in business,
which was a constant source of irritation to Dan. Stan was on his death bed with Dan hovering
over him. Apparently in his last few moments, Stan called Dan close to him and said, "Dan, you
know we've been friends for 30 years now. I have this one last wish which only you, my friend,
can grant. Will you do it ?" "Just tell me what it is Stan" said Dan, "and I'll do it happily.
Anything for you, my friend." "You know Dan, there's this bottle of the finest whisky which I
have been saving for the last 15 years. I want you to pour it over my grave when I'm gone. Will
you do it ?" "Sure thing Stan," said Dan, "But would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys
first ?"

The Irish Drinker

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time,
same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him
up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to
his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand
up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound
asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing
over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?"
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Beer Groaners

•A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a
beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "No
charge." •Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
•Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them,
"We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not?
We're cultured individuals."
•A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
•A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food
here."
•A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
•This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named
after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
•This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have..." The seal says,
"Anything but a Canadian Club."
•A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you." "Why
not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor."
•A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said.
•Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
•Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said
one. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one
blood and one blood lite."
 

The Beer Tune (sung to Doe a Deer)

Dough, with which I buy my beer;
Ray, the guy I buy beer from;
Me, the guy I buy beer for;
Fa, the distance to the store.
So, I think I'll have a beer.
La.... la la la la la laaaaa...
Te, no thanks, I'll have a beer.
And that will bring us back to dough.

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.
Barmen.

Beer Warning Labels

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over
again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for
you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your
pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the
forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer
and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you're invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think you can out drive Mario Andretti.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock
a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for
you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and
over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY
THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to
your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see
something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the
forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer,
and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".
 

Reasons for Allowing Drinking At Work:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another
drink.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish
to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right.
And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to
convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties
are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows
anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for
great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.

Stage 2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and
everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance
because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of
attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face
of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has
been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.

Stage 3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the
entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money
parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all,
so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet
because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the
people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest
person on the face of the earth.

Stage 4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot
be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been
admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You
have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to
cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.

Stage 5 -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no
one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been
admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are
also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can
walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart
and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All
your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you
certainly won't remember.

The Reason I Drink Beer

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two
worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into
the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The
second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom,
dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."

Why Drink Beer?

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for
the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off
brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine.

Beer Conference

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held. The presidents of many of the
world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner
together on the first evening. The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of
Miller's said, "A Miller's Light please!" The president of Budweiser asked for a "Bud!". Adolph
Coors requested a "Coors." And so it went, around the large table, each president asking for
the brew from his own company. Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness. "And you sir?" he
queried. "I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply. "A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked.
"Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?" Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his
companions, "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!"
 
 

Beer Facts

•It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding,
the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a
honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey
month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".
•Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find
the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the
yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".
•In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts so in old England, when customers got
unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's
where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
•Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log
that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that
the passengers "were hassled ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the
more beer".
•After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would
head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means
"bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
•In 1740, Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless
to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool
grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself.
When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.
•In the middle ages, "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the
words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called
lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon.
•Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Quotable Quotes

1.If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer it makes the beer shoot out of your
nose - Jack Handy
2.It's better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank. - D. Parker
3.Beer - It's just not for breakfast anymore- Dorothy Parker
4.Beer - Natures Laxative- Dorothy Parker
5.One More and I'll be under the host - Dorothy Parker
6.Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the
wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza - Dave Barry
7.The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drink behind- Humphrey Bogart.
8.Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine - David Moulton
9.A drink a day, keeps the shrink away - Edward Abbey.
10.People who drink "light" beer don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot - Capital
Brewery WI.
11.Put it back in the horse!! - H. Allen Smith after his first American beer
12.On the seventh day He brewed beer. - Bill Bradshaw
13.Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. I never drink anything stronger
than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't have the decency to thank
her. - W.C. Fields
14.Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
15.The problem with jails is they have wrong type of bars in there.
 

Signs That You Are Too Drunk

•You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
•You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
•Job interferring with your drinking.
•Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
•Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
•The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
•Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
•24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
•Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
•You can focus better with one eye closed. •The parking lot seems to have moved while you
were in the bar.
•You fall off the floor...
•Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
•Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
•Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
•At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
•Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
•You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
•The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in
•Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
•Roseanne looks good.
•Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
•Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
•You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the 4th of July party at the
Halekulani in Waikiki.
•The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.
 

A BEER DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING MANUAL

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass empty
Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face
Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect
drinking technique!

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action: Turn glass other way so that *open* end points towards ceiling!

Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault: Improper bladder control
Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack
of house training and demand a beer as compensation!

Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass
Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor swaying
Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar
Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

Symptom: Floor moving
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you
are being kidnapped.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!
Fault: You have fallen over backwards
Action: If your glass is full -- and no one is standing on your drinking arm -- stay put and carry
on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts
Fault: You have fallen forwards
Action: See above

Symptom: Everything has gone dark
Fault: The pub is closed
Action: Panic!!!

Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your
bedroom.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter
Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!
 
 

The Five Stages of Drinking

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight; you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work
the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED
friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get
seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."

LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against
artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder.
And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway?
These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."

LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing
FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've
ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for
the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies.
(Like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it.
Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger.... and he's buying.
And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a
complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a
Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger
at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our
busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after
you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you
actually think to yourself, "Well.... as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I
may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to
that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for
me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.

LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But
I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line
in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place
where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch
with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like
something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to
yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams,
"WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then
you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never
do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging.
And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're
19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30,
then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do
this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time,
I mean it!"

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully
before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can.
However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after
it's no longer available.

MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a
"light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you
don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.x Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's.
Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially
slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent
reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you
to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too. Advertises that its cans won't explode when
you open them, even if you shake them up. The manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that over 10 Million six-packs have been sold. And the people say: "Not
always, but always often!"

Windows 95 Beer:
The newest beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful.
The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in
32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people
will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say
they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an
entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go
out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company
promises to change the can to look like Windows 95 Beer's, after Windows 95 Beer starts
shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

UNIX Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on UNIX Beer
display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost
identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have
your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set
of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking UNIX Beer for several years...

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird
German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well,
because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS
Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz can, but now
comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and
colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics
of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have
been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in
high-pressure development environments... When you call the manufacturer for the list of
ingredients, you're told that it is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals
published by the FDA. Rumours are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference
as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

 Men and Women's English

Women's English

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

Men's English

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired

Golf Defined

GOLF,

[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are
behind.
[3] the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off {Chi Chi Rodriguez}.
[4] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
[5] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not
considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
[6] is like a love affair - if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart.
[7] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a
hole.

GOLF CART,
[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize,
nor snicker.

GOLFER,
[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;
[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything
when he brags he had a great day.

Stevie Wonder Golf

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is
the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think
it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit
of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a
while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for
the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands.
The caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his
voice."
"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his
head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never
play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for
that-when would you like to play?" "I don't care-any night next week is ok with me." Wonder
replies

The Golf Confessional

A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..." The priest
replies, "What is it that brings you here?" "Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."
"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you." The man replies, "but I
really need to talk about it." "Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard
wooden bench. You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was
lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees." "And that's when you
cursed aloud?" the Father queried. "No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had
a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some
bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree." "That must have been when you
cursed?"
"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the
skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the
green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!" "And
that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly. "No, no.." The Father interjected,
"Don't tell me you missed the f-ing putt!"

The Great Golf Gotcha

One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.
"But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am , to even it a bit you have
to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with
it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf
pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro,
"I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up
between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18
holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

The Little Hero

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's
collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident,
and rushes over to interview the boy. "city Fan Saves Friend From Vicious
Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a city' fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Manchester I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts
again. "Utd Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing
in his notebook. "I'm not a Utd fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in the Manchester area was either for the city or Utd. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys' fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and
writes, "Little scouse bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
 

Advice for Men While Golfing or Peeing in Public

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick back swing.

6. Stay our of the water.

5. Try not to hit anyone.

4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

3. Don't stand directly in front of others.

2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.

1. Don't take extra strokes.
 

The Football Star

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is
standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. "Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw
me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat
goodbye, and tosses it down to the street. Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling
down toward him. The feline, bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it.
He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has
gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers. Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his
head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

The Golf Challenge

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one
afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to
head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if
he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he
allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along
consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young
man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and
directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the
old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack
into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had
originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that
pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Trouble around the Stables

A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he
comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He
goes up to the farmer and says, "Excuth me, can I have a look at your horth?" "Sure", says the
farmer, "come on in." The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the
farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth." The farmer has to bend down and pick
up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes. "Nithe eyeth, nithe eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith
horth, I think I want to buy thith horth." Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn
asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nithe earth,
nithe earth, I like thith horthe, I like thith horthe, I think I want to buy thith horthe." The farmer is
starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf
stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. her twat, I want to see her twat!" The farmer, infuriated,
picked up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's arse. He leaves the dwarf's little
legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back
and extracts the dwarf from his position. The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I
better wephrase that...I'd like to thee her gallop!"

Addicted to Golf

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found
on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and
the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly,
the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could
not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would
recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord
and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord
nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through theair and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away. A picture perfect
hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I
thought you were going to punish him." The Lord smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"

Ski Season Warm-Up

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour.
Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying
two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your street shoes and tighten a
C-clamps around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest
line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the
ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following
an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost
believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have
to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

Golf Lessons

A woman is learning how to golf.  She has been teaching herself to play for more than three
months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro. When she sees the golf pro, she
explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball.  She does.  The ball goes
about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right.  The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see
that you have a lot of problems.  Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the
worst thing is that grip." When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests,
"Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands penis.  When the feeling is right,
go ahead and swing."  She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about
275 yards.  The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do
that well.  But now on to the next problem.  How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?"
The Quarterback

So Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing
was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he
couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching
CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted
a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a
15th story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of
about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away-ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an
hour-bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself.
"He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of
football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the
Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of
SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to
call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl." "I
don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't
think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in
the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother
implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lifes last week, and this week
your sister was raped in broad daylight...." I'll never forgive you for making us move to
Oakland.

The Dallas Cowboys

•What do they call a drug ring in Dallas? A huddle.
•There are 4 Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving? The police.
•Why can't Michael Irvin be in the Cowboy huddle anymore? It's a parole violation for him to
associate with known felons.
•The team doctor said because of Michael Irvin's fractured wrist, it'll be 6 - 8 weeks before he
can video tape a team mate having sex.
•The Chicago Bears are trying to trade for Michael Irvin. They got rid of the "Refrigerator" and
now they want a "Coke Machine".
•It was reported today that the artificial turf in Texas Stadium is being replaced because the
Cowboys play much better on "grass".
•The Dallas Cowboys have adopted a new "Honor System". "Yes, your Honor", "No, your
Honor".
•The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year. 12 arrests and 5 convictions.
•In a move to strengthen their defense, the Dallas Cowboys today hired a new defensive
coordinator, Johnny Cochran.
•How do the Cowboys spend the first week of training camp? Studying the Miranda Rights.